Lesson in Being an Isolated Extrovert

It's strange to think back on why we made some of the big decisions of our lives. This move is pretty high up on the list of life altering decisions....but did I really think it was a good idea for me - a very affectionate extrovert - to move to a remote, isolated cattle station to live solely with a family of quiet introverts? ...Didn't I consider how lonely it was going to be? HUH?!

In all fairness, most of the time it's actually been a really good experience. I like the job and the family are really great to work for, and there is quiet and peace here like I have never experienced before. 

But sometimes, you just want to hug a friend. And say a lot of words.

So what then?

I am blessed to have the resources to go the 180km into town each weekend and hang out with the Baptists on a Sunday morning. They have been amazing. More than I can describe. And some real friendships are just starting to bloom out of the beautiful welcome and fellowship I've experienced in these last 9 months, even if I am such a nutcase who has no idea how to act appropriately in the city, let alone in the country. But even so, none of this can replace just a simple evening with your mum on the couch doing the crossword, or looking into the eyes of an old and beloved friend. Thinking about this sometimes makes me feel frustrated or angry that I can't have it (maybe I spend too much time with children?) and sometimes it makes me sad and I cry with the longing pains in my heart to feel totally comfortable and safe in friendships again. 

But... those reactions really only happen sometimes. Most of the time as I remember my Saviour, my Brother, my Friend, I am blown away by how tangibly real His companionship is and I am so thankful. Jesus has truly been my rock, my comforter, my all in all. He has calmed my anxious heart with his loving presence more times than I can say. Gosh, He is a good friend. I wouldn't have the patience for me that He does. So, this is what I have been learning of Him out here in the alone-ness of my current state of life. And I haven't been lonely. 

I could really use a few more hugs in my life and wouldn't say no to have a few more close friends around me regularly to share my life with, but I don't say any of this with despair. Just hope for the future and faith in the One who knows me and loves me as I look forward to that great day when I can finally give Him a hug. Bring it on.

Lesson About Having Children

Jane Austin famously said of the opposite gender that

“A single man of good fortune must be in want of a wife".

But swap it around I bet it would be

“A single woman of a good age must be in want of a child”.

At least that seems to be what many have been asking of me lately when they make the connection between my yet-to-be-productive reproductive system and my age (the-clock-is-ticking-at-28). Over the last few weeks good friends, new friends and strangers alike have all asked me :

           

“Why don’t you have kids yet?!”

Once I get over the embarrassment of being asked something so personal in public, I generally try to just laugh it off with some funny line that includes (what I thought was fairly well known information) like “there’s only so much my eggs can do on their own.”

But it’s a lie. Well…not the part about my eggs needing some swimmers in order to turn into a baby. That’s provably true. But it’s a lie because that’s not really how I want to answer that question… but what I want to say doesn’t usually fit into a casual conversation at the bar of the local RSL. So I thought I’d get back on the blogging bandwagon and have a go at my ideal answer here.

Firstly, I think the question itself is foolish. Apart from the obvious physical limitations, which should automatically answer the question before it needs to be asked, the ideas behind the question seem to include that one of the great purposes of my life is to physically bear children and that it should be a disappointment that I haven’t yet. I don’t know if this a question asked primarily because I am a woman, or if any of my “childless” male friends get asked this question regularly as well (I’d actually like to know, if you wanna share sometime!).

But either way, I think the question doesn’t see the hope and truth and life we have already been given in Christ if we believe (and I also think the question lacks a general use of tact and social thoughtfulness as well).

You see, God has a focus on the Spiritual family, much more than the biological, and doesn’t seem to grow his Kindgom by His people making babies. The biological family structure we have is a beautiful gift filled with blessings that can reflect the glory of God, but it is temporal and secondary to God’s eternal Spiritual family. The church. His redeemed. His children.

Even Jesus when told that his (biological) mother and brothers were outside looking for him replied “’Who are my mother and my brothers?’…Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.’” (Mark 4:33)

So you see, in Him, I am a brother, a sister… and a mother. In taking up my role in the great job given to us by Jesus to preach the good news to all of creation, I become a part of the greatest of childbirths: spiritual births. Children born of God into this amazing, fresh, new, beautiful, perfected-in-Christ life that I am still so blown away that I get to live. And then, I have been given the joy and responsibility to help raise and grow these new children in our family. Sounds a lot like motherhood to me: birthing, feeding, teaching, correcting, growing and mostly just lots of loving.

How blessed beyond measure I am. I have many children in South Africa, Kenya and around my home nation I loved with a mothers love for as long as I could stay for, and I have many fellow children in the church (some babies, some much older in years than I) that I also loved with a mothers love.

Often I feel like a totally out-of-my-depth, immature 16-year-old mother still in high school, with braces on her teeth, who failed her P’s test last week. But thanks be to God that I am still being mothered myself by many precious saints who are teaching me the tricks of the trade.

            “Why don’t you have kids yet?!”

Don’t be silly. I do. I have lots of kids. And friend/stranger-at-the-bar asking me this, as weird as this sounds, you can be my kid too! I would LOVE to teach you what I am learning of the Greatest Love and show you the ways of the Greatest Father. Oh gosh, I love my family.

(End note: Lots of these ideas have stemmed from reading the Gospels, also 1 Corinthians and the letters to Timothy, and a couple of great sermons but particularly one on Singleness by John Piper that I can probably share with you if your interested… or if you need to check my sources so you can call me up on anything weird I’ve said).

Lesson about Obedience

Being a live-in nanny is a weird job. I’m not technically going to be the Govi (governess) until next year when the kids start distant education, so right now I’m that awkward “not your teacher/not your mother/but still a person you need to listen to” person. And anyone who has kids or works with kids or is around kids or was a kid once will know that kids aren’t always the best listeners.

Sometimes they are so grown up you forget they are kids, sometimes they are so immature you wonder how it’s even possible, but most of the time you need to repeat yourself at least three times before anything gets done.

So obedience has been on my mind a lot. And with obedience comes fun topics like discipline and development and safety. But love and joy also seem to be popping up as being pretty closely linked to obedience somehow.

When the kids listen and act upon what I’ve asked of them, there’s much less need for thoughts about discipline and safety. In fact, it feels like love is so much better expressed and joy more richly felt by all of us in those moments when they obey.

It’s frustrating as all get up to be asking the simplest of things and getting no response. Or getting the opposite of what you ask. Sheesh, I know your only six years old, but baaahh! I’m conscious to try and be as wise as I can be (haha! Its possible!) in what I ask them to do – not ask more than is possible for their age and abilities, usually just what is needed for their safety, the running of the day, or what I think will stretch them to learn something new they are ready for. But more often than not their first response is “NO!” and their suborn little wills turn it into a battle. Because at 5 and 6 years old, they know what’s best.

But, lesson, it’s not just them. It’s me too. I am that child. I am that child who knows my Father, I know the words and instructions He gives me are good and for my benefit, and yet so often I give no response. Or do the opposite. And create a battle for myself. And that battle is usually “what is good” vs “me-not-being-willing-to-admit-I’m-wrong-so-I’ll-keep-fighting-my-point-anyway”.

Sure…You designed me, You created this world, You’ve been around since the beginning, but my 27years count for more. I know what’s good for me. Case in point: Hanson. From the first time I heard MMMBop, I knew what goodness was, and it’s still just as good now.

Jesus tells me “If you love me, you will obey what I command.” Jesus I do love you! But this just sounds… I dunno…. Controlling? Superior? I mean… I’m not a kid. You’re speaking to an adult here, durrr.

But maybe love and joy are linked to obeying God as well. And so maybe the word “obedience” isn’t as ugly as we often hear it to be as adults. It seems to be an expression of love. Of loving who though? Is Jesus really controlling and superior? And how is it even possible to obey it all?… I don’t remember most of it!

Jesus says in the gospel written by John “If anyone loves me, they will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them… I have spoken this while still with you. But the Counsellor (the Holy Spirit) will teach you ALL things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives (thank goodness!). Do not let your hearts be trouble and do not be afraid…I will not speak with you much longer, but the world must learn that I love the Father and I do exactly what the Father has commanded me”.

I am designed in His image. One of my highest purposes is to be made more like Jesus. And Jesus does exactly as the Father commands because He loves His Father. He knows what his Father asks is for the good of the whole world – even if it isn’t always pleasant (as I’m assuming being crucified isn’t a party). But yet Jesus goes… Because He knows His Father and loves Him.

I suspect I will always be closer to a 5 year old than an adult in the way I respond to what is asked of me… I don’t want to say no and create battles, but knowing my history I’m sure I will again at some point. But gosh, I’m so glad that it is God who is my Father asking these things of me. He really is perfection. And His Son came to SAVE the world, not condemn it… I’m so stoked He’s on my side.

Lesson about Traffic Hazards.

There are some fairly significant differences between city driving and country driving. The roads are different, the speed is different, the hazards are more “flora and fauna” and less “traffic jams and road rage”. So if I have learnt anything from being part of the Masterchef generation, I know that after 3 weeks out here I am officially an expert on the topic. So here are my lessons on driving in the country:

First and foremost – Keep Your Eyes Open. And I don’t mean just staying awake. Considering we are talking about driving, I’m going to assume consciousness as a given. No, I mean Look and Scan. All. The. Time. These hazards come at you from the front, side, behind you, underneath you, so stay alert.

Hazard One – Dirt Roads. I suspect it’s like driving on bitumen with bare tyres cause things get a little slippery pretty quickly. So to avoid the heart palpitations that ensue when the car starts turning in a way you didn’t tell it to go, break early and slowly.

Hazard Two – Kangaroos. The novelty wore off pretty quickly cause I see HUNDREDS of these guys everyday. I probably should have put these as Hazard Number One as you’ll see a dead one every 200m. They will come at you from any direction, they love sunrise and sunset the most, and they just love getting in your way.

Hazard Three – Emus. I’m told they are the stupidest of the lot, but I’m yet to see it. Apparently they are known to start running away from you, change their minds, then run straight into the side of your car instead. At least they are easy to spot.

Hazard Four – Bush Turkeys. Don’t be fooled though, they look nothing like a turkey. More like a prouder, miniature emu. Or a librarian. In any case, I’ve been told they are partial to fly directly into your windscreen and smash it.

Hazard Five – Sheep. Sheep really hate being left out or left behind, so will always want to find their friends when you come along and it doesn’t really matter to them if it means crossing right in front of you. But their big fluffy bums are super cute when they run, so enjoy that.

Hazard Six – Cows. These guys are probably my favourite hazard as they’re super easy to spot and usually polite enough to let you pass. Plus, when they start to run they look a bit like a gangly 13 year old boy after a sudden growth spurt who now has these long limbs they aren’t sure what to do with. Enjoy that too.

I’m super thankful for the advice of my cousin and my employers who suggested getting a ‘roo bar, a two way radio and always carrying water, food and fuel (and don’t get me started about how thankful I am to Papa Pidge for getting it all together). With long stretches of dirt road and often 100km between phone reception that are quickly becoming part of my weekly routines, and I know one day they will be my lifeline. Plus if I get hungry, I’ll be able to cook up that dead ‘roo I probably hit.  

Lesson about Joy

I got to visit my cousin/best friend/favourite person this past weekend who lives a cheeky 7 hours down the road on a cattle station as well. It was JOYOUS.

I've been at the station for about two weeks now and it's been harder than I thought to settle in. I knew I was romanticising it all when I talked about in Sydney, but even still it has been a real battle of my own emotions. 
It's been a lot of: "What am I doing? I wanted to move to Africa, not to Queensland, why am I here again? Is this the right choice for me? Am I happier here? Do I still have friends? Can I cope with the isolation? And the heat? And the change of conversation, pace of life, food, coffee, phone reception and limited internet?" 
Basically, I've felt confused, isolated, quiet and a little lacking in joy.

Seeing my favourite was such a blessing. She is thoughtful and loves the Lord Jesus. She saw my problem right away: me. Everything I was saying was all about me. Joy that is found in your work/location/relationships can be beautiful indeed but like how the flowers bloom for a time but then whither and fade, so will all these things, and so will your joy.
My joy is found in my God and his Son who doesn't whither and fade but is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is good, all the time. His gospel is good news of GREAT JOY. Joy of a Saviour who rescues and redeems this broken world, who says I am now right before my God, who gifts me with purpose, who gives me real freedom and life to the full. And I can't believe how blessed I am to be so fully included in His Joy.

I know it won't be smooth sailing, and I will still feel isolated and confused, but I have been learning that each day that comes to be is filled with purpose for Gods beautiful Kingdom where God dwells with his people, and He is my deepest joy.